May 30 update

Good News: Grateful to be alive.

Grateful for great friends and Ellen especially.

I am feeling better, walking farther everyday.

Getting back strength is a slow process.

Unfortunate News: still in the Pharmaceutical Pranayama phase and this may go for many more weeks.

These pills have saved my life, for which I am grateful and they come with side effects. One pill pushes down. One pill pushes blood pressure and pulse rate up, with the result that blood pressure and pulse never vary much and stay within a narrow range. Steadiness and consistency is what a repaired heart needs.

How does this affect practice? Let’s say I extend the exhale…. or do a lovely, long hum…..Usually this experience is delightful and this simple technique is backbone of many breath practices. The heart rate goes down and blood pressure goes down and a feeling a relaxation all over the body ensues.

What happens on these heart drugs is that a long exhale conversely speeds up the heart. It is confusing and unpleasant. The breath goes erratic and heart doesn’t feel good.

I can exert very little influence over the drugs at this point. However this will change, my doctors say. Eventually, the heart will find its own rhythm and the effect of the drugs will be less, less and less.

When I go to practice in the morning, sometimes I cry. I stand back and flip the script, “this learning is exactly what I need now.” This experience certainly is eye opening and a world that I have never experienced before. It will help me understand my students and friends who may be on heart medications and having problems with breath practices.

Will I be able to teach even if the doctors keep me on the medications for a long time?

Maybe, once the intensity of their impact is diminished. Right now, I feel completely unable to teach in any way I feel good with. I don’t want to come back depleted, with a frail voice, after 37 hours of intubation, just in order to show up. I want to teach and be able to grow the practices that have a evolved over these years. I need at least 50% Mojo to begin teaching again.

My best guess, this morning, is that it may take another month to get there.

These tiny pills are surprisingly powerful